I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
