I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
