and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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