I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
