Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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