my phone needs a breathalizer
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
