I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
