I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If I die, sorry about rent.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
