she woke up with a sticky ear
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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