I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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