the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
