I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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