Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
