weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
