and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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