I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
