Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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