Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My vagina is officially offended.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
