Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
