onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
