Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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