he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize