my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
