My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
