Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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