apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Randomize
