Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
