At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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