My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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