I faked an abortion last night.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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