Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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