her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
