I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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