You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
