U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
