At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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