No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
