goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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