There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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