I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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