Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish I only lived at night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize