life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
