I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize