if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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