Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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