Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
