I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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