I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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