Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
