Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
