so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize