Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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