So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
