In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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