no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
