I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
