JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
