Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
