currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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