He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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