This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
