I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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