I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My dick has a subreddit
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
