Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
And then my night got REAL pukey
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
