I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
